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Late night thoughts written on my phone
Sep. 3rd, 2025 03:10 amMy siblings, parents, and I were sitting in a car, on the way home. While it wasn’t new we were in a well kept 2010 Honda odyssey. That car is still being driven though it smells like buttcheeks on a stick lmfao and has a broken windshield, has some other problems too.
It was pretty late at night, probably around midnight. I doubt my age reached the double digits, somehow I wasn’t really that tired. I have always been a bit of a night owl.
My siblings though, they were real tired. My brother was the first to give out, resting his head by the cars window. I noticed he kept bumping his head. Since I was sat tween my siblings I told him to rest his head on my shoulder. Then my sibling got tired, did the same.
I got my mother’s attention to look at me, a head on each shoulder and a lotta love for each of em. That’s probably the only time I ever really recognized them all as family. I don’t remember much from that time.
On the way to New York from New Jersey, my step sister rested her head on my shoulder. Maybe things are falling back into place.
A while ago me and my sibling went no contact, I hadn’t known how long it was for till my sibling told me. We stopped talking for 6 months, last year. I thought it was more like four.
For the most part I have no issues cutting people off, so for a while I didn’t think twice about not speaking to them. Then I went on a trip with my father, somewhere north of where I live. We went there to walk trails n shit, everyone I’ve told about this trip keeps asking if I went skiing. Buddy I’m not that loaded. Anyway it’s 2 am and I’m on a walk, not smoking, just minding my business. There was an album I liked at that time, and on the track list was a song about the singers brother. At some point in my walk, when the track came on, I start tearing up. I don’t wanna say much about that but I guess it hit me how upsetting it was to lose them. That was maybe four months in to no contact.
I find that the people who mean most to me that I’ve cut contact with never hits me right away. “Mean most” isn’t inherently positive (is for my sibling though), this has happened in this structure four times now.
My brother and sibling have like gone into this phase, maybe two or three months ago where they just like hug and kiss my head? Obviously not anything incest about it we aren’t like that it’s all in a kind way. When we were going to and from jersey they kind of fought with each other about who got to sit with me. My brother always asks to play Minecraft with me on his super slim ps3. My sibling keeps telling me that they “enjoy my company”. Do they like me or something? Do they care about me? Why would they though.
Ori is really upset that I keep getting fucked up in front of my brother. First it was the ambulance thing, then the time a month or so ago, prolly other shit. Dude I went to his room to hang, started playing his guitar like a piano then promptly fell asleep on the guitar LMFAO, Ori isn’t laughing like omg lighten up. I feel bad too ok. He said he thought I was gonna fall down the stairs when I tried to go back to my room. I know any of this only because he told me the day after I don’t remember a thing.
Once it was just me and him home alone, I was smoking weed on our balcony and he called me cuz I think he was hungry or wanted to play Minecraft, asked when I was gonna stop smoking, like a general question then was like oops I mean when r u gonna finish your session. I’m such a dick.
Now that school is starting they gonna look at my like a deadbeat again, cuz I am I’m aware. And embarrassed. When my sibling was helping me do summer school, by help I mean doing almost all of the work unless I was on amphetamines that day—wait when we were talking about summer school cuz it came up in convo recently, they said I’m smart or whatever and I’m just not using my head. They said I’m the type of person to finish high school early, me man they said that about me.
A few days ago my mother bought this portable fan for herself, there was a flashlight on it and when she was trying to show me we found that the light only worked if it wasn’t pointed upwards. So I was like oh prolly for kids not to stick it in their eyes then she lectured me(in a good way) saying that I really am smart, how she never would’ve thought of that, and the job she wants me to go into.
She wants me to be an ultrasound/ x ray technician. She says she really envisions me in that role, that I have the personality to talk to someone during an otherwise awkward moment , and whatever. She’s just saying that I mean I’m buying shrooms soon man I think I’m a lost cause.
I had more to say but I’m puffy eyed and hungover so I kinda forgot. I’m crying over school emails man who am I. If I remember I’ll just edit the post and add on
edit: im on my computer now, random but like is it nicer to use punctuation i kinda like the look of none
i forgot to talk bout my grandparents. since living with my mother ive learned more about the whole incedent that i wwrote asbout months ago. ori says im being too sensitive and a baby about it i know but what can i do about that.
anyways my grandparents didnt ignore me, they were shooed away by my mother, and were for the most part left in the dark about me getting kicked out 5 times, and theyre upset at my mother on what they do know. when i started hanging round them again theyd hug me real tight, my grandmother would put our chests togehter, "heart to heart" shed say.
for a while i considered myself to have no family but maybe i do. i wwanted to make this post after the new cassette one cuz i was thinkin like maybe i stay for them or whatever. idk just a thought.
omg hallelujah by jeff buckely just came on kill me now. didnt pete wentz like, with the ativan n stuff... whatever. another just a thought.
anyways ori called me a bitch cuz i drank after seeing those school emails leave me alone man i wanted to calm down be glad i didnt take greens wwith it.
so i have 3 siblings, 2 sets of grandparents though im not too close with my fathers side id like to be though. and thats the extent of my family. shit man. yeah i have cousins but im pretty sure theyre embarrassed of me, i like em but i doubt theyd wanna be considered my family.
im listening to my grace cd ori says this is why im sad lmfao, when i bought it the cashier asked if i like "that sort of depressing stuff" lol. dude that guys music taste was insane, but when i asked him if he has tbs he was like no but he reccomened me love in the time of silence by emiliana torrini, great album but nothing like tbs idk wwhy he said they were alike.
the other day at my grandparents my mother and i bugged them for cassettes and records, i dont have a record player but my mother was like lets buy one i wwant one i was like alrihgty. my grandfather called their record player a gramma phone, how anchiet are these guys lol. they mostly had macidonian folk music. then after a bit my grandfather started playing pidushko and got me him my grandparets and my mother to sdtart dancing lmfao, my siblings and my sisters dad just watchd lowkey embarraging but it was only for a moment.
ok mission verde, so far ive made green udon noodles, green rice with green stir fry, green kraft dinner, and guess what im makingtonight. green chicken cutlets i can do it brah watch me, maybe ill post it to substack. i was thinking ill just colour the egg wash not the chicken or crumbs. yea i made spelling mistakes but i wanna play tf2 now. also i made my mother a sandvich, ith the olives n eveyrhting. im so tf2 pilled
Edit 2: ew wtf is mission verde anyway I forgot to make the chicken green
Also lowkey wanna kms cuz of school and im embarrassed but im buying drugs tmr so I can’t. I wish I was an athlete , I like soccer, never really told anyone that cuz I’m scared to. It’s not like I’d be on the boys team anyway.
It was pretty late at night, probably around midnight. I doubt my age reached the double digits, somehow I wasn’t really that tired. I have always been a bit of a night owl.
My siblings though, they were real tired. My brother was the first to give out, resting his head by the cars window. I noticed he kept bumping his head. Since I was sat tween my siblings I told him to rest his head on my shoulder. Then my sibling got tired, did the same.
I got my mother’s attention to look at me, a head on each shoulder and a lotta love for each of em. That’s probably the only time I ever really recognized them all as family. I don’t remember much from that time.
On the way to New York from New Jersey, my step sister rested her head on my shoulder. Maybe things are falling back into place.
A while ago me and my sibling went no contact, I hadn’t known how long it was for till my sibling told me. We stopped talking for 6 months, last year. I thought it was more like four.
For the most part I have no issues cutting people off, so for a while I didn’t think twice about not speaking to them. Then I went on a trip with my father, somewhere north of where I live. We went there to walk trails n shit, everyone I’ve told about this trip keeps asking if I went skiing. Buddy I’m not that loaded. Anyway it’s 2 am and I’m on a walk, not smoking, just minding my business. There was an album I liked at that time, and on the track list was a song about the singers brother. At some point in my walk, when the track came on, I start tearing up. I don’t wanna say much about that but I guess it hit me how upsetting it was to lose them. That was maybe four months in to no contact.
I find that the people who mean most to me that I’ve cut contact with never hits me right away. “Mean most” isn’t inherently positive (is for my sibling though), this has happened in this structure four times now.
My brother and sibling have like gone into this phase, maybe two or three months ago where they just like hug and kiss my head? Obviously not anything incest about it we aren’t like that it’s all in a kind way. When we were going to and from jersey they kind of fought with each other about who got to sit with me. My brother always asks to play Minecraft with me on his super slim ps3. My sibling keeps telling me that they “enjoy my company”. Do they like me or something? Do they care about me? Why would they though.
Ori is really upset that I keep getting fucked up in front of my brother. First it was the ambulance thing, then the time a month or so ago, prolly other shit. Dude I went to his room to hang, started playing his guitar like a piano then promptly fell asleep on the guitar LMFAO, Ori isn’t laughing like omg lighten up. I feel bad too ok. He said he thought I was gonna fall down the stairs when I tried to go back to my room. I know any of this only because he told me the day after I don’t remember a thing.
Once it was just me and him home alone, I was smoking weed on our balcony and he called me cuz I think he was hungry or wanted to play Minecraft, asked when I was gonna stop smoking, like a general question then was like oops I mean when r u gonna finish your session. I’m such a dick.
Now that school is starting they gonna look at my like a deadbeat again, cuz I am I’m aware. And embarrassed. When my sibling was helping me do summer school, by help I mean doing almost all of the work unless I was on amphetamines that day—wait when we were talking about summer school cuz it came up in convo recently, they said I’m smart or whatever and I’m just not using my head. They said I’m the type of person to finish high school early, me man they said that about me.
A few days ago my mother bought this portable fan for herself, there was a flashlight on it and when she was trying to show me we found that the light only worked if it wasn’t pointed upwards. So I was like oh prolly for kids not to stick it in their eyes then she lectured me(in a good way) saying that I really am smart, how she never would’ve thought of that, and the job she wants me to go into.
She wants me to be an ultrasound/ x ray technician. She says she really envisions me in that role, that I have the personality to talk to someone during an otherwise awkward moment , and whatever. She’s just saying that I mean I’m buying shrooms soon man I think I’m a lost cause.
I had more to say but I’m puffy eyed and hungover so I kinda forgot. I’m crying over school emails man who am I. If I remember I’ll just edit the post and add on
edit: im on my computer now, random but like is it nicer to use punctuation i kinda like the look of none
i forgot to talk bout my grandparents. since living with my mother ive learned more about the whole incedent that i wwrote asbout months ago. ori says im being too sensitive and a baby about it i know but what can i do about that.
anyways my grandparents didnt ignore me, they were shooed away by my mother, and were for the most part left in the dark about me getting kicked out 5 times, and theyre upset at my mother on what they do know. when i started hanging round them again theyd hug me real tight, my grandmother would put our chests togehter, "heart to heart" shed say.
for a while i considered myself to have no family but maybe i do. i wwanted to make this post after the new cassette one cuz i was thinkin like maybe i stay for them or whatever. idk just a thought.
omg hallelujah by jeff buckely just came on kill me now. didnt pete wentz like, with the ativan n stuff... whatever. another just a thought.
anyways ori called me a bitch cuz i drank after seeing those school emails leave me alone man i wanted to calm down be glad i didnt take greens wwith it.
so i have 3 siblings, 2 sets of grandparents though im not too close with my fathers side id like to be though. and thats the extent of my family. shit man. yeah i have cousins but im pretty sure theyre embarrassed of me, i like em but i doubt theyd wanna be considered my family.
im listening to my grace cd ori says this is why im sad lmfao, when i bought it the cashier asked if i like "that sort of depressing stuff" lol. dude that guys music taste was insane, but when i asked him if he has tbs he was like no but he reccomened me love in the time of silence by emiliana torrini, great album but nothing like tbs idk wwhy he said they were alike.
the other day at my grandparents my mother and i bugged them for cassettes and records, i dont have a record player but my mother was like lets buy one i wwant one i was like alrihgty. my grandfather called their record player a gramma phone, how anchiet are these guys lol. they mostly had macidonian folk music. then after a bit my grandfather started playing pidushko and got me him my grandparets and my mother to sdtart dancing lmfao, my siblings and my sisters dad just watchd lowkey embarraging but it was only for a moment.
ok mission verde, so far ive made green udon noodles, green rice with green stir fry, green kraft dinner, and guess what im makingtonight. green chicken cutlets i can do it brah watch me, maybe ill post it to substack. i was thinking ill just colour the egg wash not the chicken or crumbs. yea i made spelling mistakes but i wanna play tf2 now. also i made my mother a sandvich, ith the olives n eveyrhting. im so tf2 pilled
Edit 2: ew wtf is mission verde anyway I forgot to make the chicken green
Also lowkey wanna kms cuz of school and im embarrassed but im buying drugs tmr so I can’t. I wish I was an athlete , I like soccer, never really told anyone that cuz I’m scared to. It’s not like I’d be on the boys team anyway.
