(no subject)

Small post, I’m just like freaking out a lil cuz my heart rate is real low and I keep bumping into shit and and I’m exhausted all the time, I keep spacing out n other shit. The worst thing is that I can’t get out of bed again, I thought I stopped doing that 5 months ago but I guess not. Ori wants me to eat oatmeal everyday like ok sure bro but I don’t think that’s gonna fix this all. I always complain about how it’s difficult for me to function but I always knew the reason and once it was felt with it stopped, I’m completely sober, completely. Idk why I’m like this and idk how I’m gonna walk from class to class

hayley withdrawals

i put you in a pretty bad cycle. id stop talking to you, freak you out, come back like nothing happened, not address it then leave you to feel bitter about it alone, or with whoever youve told. i shouldnt have let you simmer in that, shouldnt have ghosted you at all, doesnt matter the reason why. how did you deal with the inconsistencies of me? sometimes i wonder if youve ever had the thought 'how do i get this guy to stop ghosting me?' or did you too know im just like that? i think ive changed but you probably still pray for the next girl dispite that.

i understand why you walked away, hey if i were you i would too. im a bit of a bitch for wanting you to pursue me anyway. im guessing i had you on your toes half the time or was is all the time? i thought compliance from me gave the impression of trust to you, this was subconscious, not sure if it worked. cuz of that i just stepped all over you, didnt know i was doing that at the time.

when you needed something from me i shouldve given it to you, when you were upset i shouldve comforted you. when you wanted me sober i shouldve gotten sober, though that one we both know i couldnt ever do.

for a little while i think you saw me as more then i was, i am wrong for not noticing sooner. shouldve been more cautious of my actions as to not upset you and to be a better person for you. i took advantage of how highly you thought of me and i wont ever forget that.

in many ways ive given you reason to doubt i loved you. while i did love you then, i made you think otherwise. ive learned that love doesnt mean anything if its not shown healthily; to you. thats why we are different. just know ive never felt anything else like losing you.

your on occasion jealousy made me feel wanted. while i never sought it out, it made me feel secure with the idea of us. that led me to thinking whatever i did wouldnt matter and that youd brush past it. its a very false way of thinking i know. ive always been skeptical of the idea of us, we both know why, so this helped it shouldnt have. i tend to think in black and white.

its funny how we both thought we were unrequited, but you thought that second. personally i think everything stemmed from me wanting to feel wanted by you.

you hadnt known who i truly was and i ignored who i knew you were, that definitely created some friction. sometimes i felt like you hid away from me, hid certain thoughts. that really bothered me because i wanted to be the place where you hide.

i wanted too much from you. id dream for you to spend all your time with me, just us in rooms alone. youre bittersweet, all those months ago i couldnt get enough. everything after those months has been nothing but withdrawls, cant say i dont prefer it over heartbreak. in january and febuary i was very sort of nervous breakdown by black flag, lol not sure how else to phrase it.

i was too much of an open book i know. i know why too but who cares. i let my gaurd down in a way that shoudlve scared you early on. ive always bathed in self loathe, from internet shit youve put out, was the tub spilling? n what did you mean by it cuz i dont know. how have i made you insecure? does me not knowing how mean i needa do more thinking?

ive taken things you said too personally and my reactions have always been childish. you really got caught up in my interpersonal fuckary, its a bit funny. though i believe love is hurt, i guess i took mental so you shouldve taken physical.

sometimes id hope to piss you off so much that youd come up to me and give me a black eye, do that as many times as you woudlve needed to so that you would finally understand that no matter what either of us did, at the end of the day i would have still been yours. no matter what. im a crazy motherfucker and hoped youd be crazy too. crazy together, crazy in love and all that sappy shit. i wanted you to be heroin in my veins. i expected you to know this from the get go and that wasnt right. how were you supposed to know i was like this.

that mug shoudlve been broken by you chucking it at me. youve always had mixed feelings about me havent you? from the start i mean.

i always knew deep down you couldnt give me what i wanted but i pushed anyway. i bet the extent of your new relationship consists of malls, phone calls, hand holding, being interested is his things but him not interested in yours, and you dont fuck right? you guys seem boring, glad your living that nightmare and not me. all your social medias boast about having a good relationship with the guy, though it just seems like your trying to convince yourself. everythings good with you right? youve always been preformative, i never really liked that about you.

also if i was right about your spotify playlist and feb 19th its funny you changed the picture. things about you two are still infested with me, gosh you just cant keep my name out your mouth! do i make good conversation? no new person ive been with has heard about you, but what is there for me to say anyway? i dont talk about andy either, i believe i was the victim in that one. oh my god i bet you said both his and my name in the same conversation, maybe the same sentence thats so funny.

i gotta keep myself in check, this is meant to be an apology. look at me all spiteful n shit. i liked finding traces of me in your digital footprint. ori banned me from looking at your social media from now on though aw man i cant spy on you now.

i bet you lug around the memory of me, you hate it, the memory of you just sort of walks with me. sure its bitter but i dont mind it. you know i take my coffee black. when did you realise i wanted things to end bad? i didnt have an idea as to how it would happen but i wanted it to hurt, but it didnt. all i got was hayley withdrawals. hey now i have a title. you hope i get cancer and i used to wish youd be it, but we cant always get what we want can we? maybe i should get myself a garrett. ew im so narcissistic.

a bit ago i took too much xanax and when i was walking down the stairs to my room, with tea in hand by the way-- i tripped and fucked up my foot. still hurts two weeks later, didnt spill the tea though i was surprised. kinda of reminds me of us, things on a constant decent, tea wwas spilled a while ago but we told ourselves at least the tea was black so theres nothing sticky to clean. have you ever said at least when talking to your friends about me?

i know its too late to say sorry but its prolly best to say it then to not. ive done some thinking you know. i mightve forgotten some things considering things happened so long ago. writing this as something more than a teenage fling so excuse me being dramatic if thats not what you want.

maybe when weve both spouses and children we can laugh about all this.

- the pet you disowned