pricky, you were there for me in a house with no love. you brightened my day and gave me a reason to keep going. the fondness i used to have for you seeped into my every action. taking a step towards the city was done for the reason of telling you about it later, taking a shower was done to leave you for fourty minutes and think about you clotheless, waking up was done to hear the quiet of your sleep over a video call. i did everything for you because its in my nature to have a muse, maybe its in your nature to be a muse. i need a muse because i need a reason for everything, a breath can't be released from my lungs unless its for a girl that caught my eye nowadays. i never want you to be my muse again but i wanna chat again. come back pricky ive been dying to hear from you.

what you did was wrong, what we were was wrong. i frowned on it then and i frown on it now but, a house with no love, where else was i supposed to get my fair slice? i wasnt one for propositions and flirting then but you made it seem normal to me. i didn't realise how self centered you were then, you didnt notice my inexperience. you are unforgettable. you haunt the love i received that came after you. while nothing is done in your shadow, your shadow is seen by me in the corner of my eye. creeping and cold, that shadow infects everything that makes me feel like that boy again, completed with a heart that wouldn't shut up in a room i condemn. your shadow used to be comfort now its a worn out memory, a memory tucked tween me, my laptop, your question, my answer, having it fall through, and you. its always gonna be you and i never wanted it to be but i wouldnt have been here without you. the lack of utterance between us has bothered me, not then but now.

id still do what you asked that night, i wouldnt leave you to that alone.

-your pretty boy

i went to niagra falls the other day, its really nice there, not that its a surprise. this is my second or third time going, i wasnt really as conscious last time i went, being and child and all lmfao.

everything was real nice till my sibling kinda got their hands on me. in no way this is their fault, we were just horseplaying, i guess its just the way we did. i didnt know this was gonna happen to me cuz it hasnt happened before but, when they put their hands on me--sorry for context we were insulting eachother and pretending we were gonna square up--that we always do. then they kinda pushed me and grabbed me extra, more than normal and every ounce of masculinity left me cos i got upset over it.

i was trying not to cry or whatever. i just felt that man spitting in my face again, telling me i could breathe when he unknowingly blew the wind out of my lungs just then. my hands blue. i really hate the hand part. it really invaded my head i didnt want it to. they want me to go on a trip with em to new york, new jersey, how do i know im not gonna throw a fit in the middle of the night? i dont want em or other people in the rooms around us for that matter, hearing me shouting at nothing to get off of me. we are going by plane and no im not bringing drugs on the plane so we going sober. i dont wanna go but my sibling keeps pushing about how they want me there cos "they appreciate my company" they dead ass said that tee hee they love meee i love my siblingsssss ahh my god u should see how we joke about that on call--also read what i just wrote in quagmire's voice from family guy so i seem like more of a jackass than i am. my mother says she wont leave me home alone for 2 weeks so im stuck.

i was ruined for the rest of the day at the day trip but dont worry i didnt go all pouty infront of everyone, its a trip, trips are fun i sucked it up and delt with it privately. so i am a bit of a man look at that.

something ive been dying to write about was my time living in scarborough, living with my father and my grandparents. fuck i miss it, a lot. ori says i just miss everything and i think hes right, i love missing things.

i miss the uneven paint of the walls that surrounded me, the globbed on white paint of the skirting board and doors that made it just barely able to close. the floor also stained with white primer paint that creeked with every other step during the only time i left my room, to get my coffee.

my coffee. i only had one cup cos all the others were dirty since they were from my grandparents, they dont really have a standard of cleanliness when it came to their house. it was either a dark roast or medium roast of nescafe instant coffee, i had and used both as i felt. sugar and cream was about a tim hortants double double, back when i didnt take my coffee black. when i set it down on my desk, my desk that my father got for free off kijiji, the desk that had bits of wood poking out, the finish of the wood fading, round half of the drawers not able to be pulled out, one of em not even there, my favourite most memorble desk. i miss my desk. that was my desk. i want my desk back. back to my coffee, when i poured it the tumbler mug made the steam go in this swirling pattern, always so mesmerizing. since i was close to downtown i would go often, listen to music, younger me developing my taste. grief chapter was a favourite at the time. got live with the family cat then. i love jack, hes the best cat ever.

the smell of that house bred in all of my clothes and hair, hated that part. the smell will still be nostolgic. i went to summer school with a shit ton of axe body spray all the time. and this like brief case looking thing cuz i was kicked out of the place i used to live in, which had my backback.

theres alot more to say about me living there but ill leave it at that. i miss it alot, ive been missing that house a little more recently. i miss not caring about things maybe. and maybe not doing drugs about em either.

ive went back to writing this post after a day cuz i went and got high and i dont usually write like that, only to come back writing after scratching my ankles thinking they were still held onto. i dont know why it bothers me so much, other people have it worse, this was a one time thing. ive taken half a xanax to sleep now. i want to be a normal, horseplay like other kids do. i dont know how else not to get so worked up over it.

i havent been taken my meds yeah what fuckin everrrr. the difference of life when im on em is that everything goes quiet, i smile less, i do stop thinking about the oredeal, but i have those bad thoughts. i have the thoughts without em too, sure--but its not the same. off em the idea stems from drowning in my own little pool of pity, being sad or whatever. on em its a simple answer to a simple question. no emotion connected to the decision of going through with it, thats what makes it so scary. do i go back on them? im a bit scared. but i wanna be able to horse play like a normal person. i once had a fit, in my room , kept yelling about how all antidepressents are poison in my brain. dunno what that was about but maybe i was onto something. something i thought they would get rid of was the feeling of bugs on my skin but that never went away, and im looking at my arm right now no bugs are on it. im going crazy. i have stopped smelling weird smells that arent there everywhere i go, and one other thing stopped which i forgot so theres that.

i think i just need someone, i always do. to hold onto or whatever, who'll listen to joy division in bed with me unlike anyone ive previously been with. can i be honest, i think that girl i used to date still looks at my account, a few days ago, in 12 hours she viewed my substack 100 times, its gotten back to one a day if thats her being the unnconnected user, its kind of embarrasing on her part, if it is her. how do i get her away? ive come to another conclusion about her, that shes a coward but im not getting into it again. but then again im a bitch for trying to relive andy through her doing things me and him used to do so whatever. she owes me a song her playlist cos im gonna start stalking her socials and spotify cuz of this now, if i remember to do so.

team i have not stayed strong i just drank the first coca cola i have in 4 years, ori is pissed and i keep eating philadelphia cream cheese knowing th company is bad. i must STOP!! i need someone to slap me and keep me in check i am a weak little man at the moment. i have been eating more potatoes tho, im assuming there are no bad potato brands... i will be checking the next time i make a grocery list.

ori says i should go on a little hiatus till i feel better cos i keep writing too interpersonal and personal things but he recgonizes how it helps my head. he says i should start writing in a real journal. i might. or i might continue to seek attention on the internet that doesnt really exist who knows.

the xanax kinda kicked in im heading to bed, if you need to hear more of my bullshit pm me.

idk how the dates saves but its aug 6th 4:39 am for me rn

this halloween layout is fuckin awesome, the one i had before got lame

from that guy on substack, ive been listening to this one band moja alot becasue wow, their stuff just seeps into my ears the right way. they way the drummer got into ohhh myy goshhh, truly something to admire.

i got some new cds so i might make another post like the one on my live journal talking bout em but one i cant get enought is yo la tengo's album "And then nothing turned itself inside-out". i like listening to it while doing stuff, oh yea im into sewing now, listened to it while making those jorts. just practising but i wanna make a bag for my portable cd player. its not a purse shut up.

about that one girl, the one i kept writing about, i got over her a few weeks ago only because she popped in my mind and somehow my head started tumble-rolling on how shit her politics were. i was gonna rant about it here but im choosing not to bore future me and wasting more time on her. all im saying is shes swayed by the media and supports companies when it conveniences or entertains her and sticks to whatever the majority is saying if i remember right. as well as some odd comments, i think she said she was into rape at some point but really beat around the bush but there really wasnt any other way to interpret it. once i was eating lunch with her and our trash spilled on the ground and ori told me to pick it up and i did. im not saying she shouldve picked it up at all im saying she shouldve been the one to tell me, she seemed like she didnt care. still getting headaches from this girl fucking hell im tired of her. im surprising myself when i say this but i cant believe i liked her.

i had a long talk with ori about a few things, ill talk about vic first. hes gone, havent heard from him in a while and i dont think hes coming back. as much as he was a bastard and a nuicance i did really enjoy him, he was fun. ive havent done something for the last time someone left but i was thinking like hey we should do something in memenory of him--that i was sayin to ori and he was like yeah sure what should we do, we landed on my siblings lmao, he wouldve liked that. shouldve done it when he was here. im gonna miss him.

something else we talked about that i prolly shouldnt say on the internet even tho no one reads this, and im so lucky for that, the whole thing with my parents. ori says i keep dwelling on it because i dont know myself otherwise. i dont have identity apart from it. like its my substratum we said. i made my own definiton of substratum when i was on amphetamines lemme find where i wrote it and type it out (i get philosophical on amphetamines lol).

"the particular substance property of a spatiotemporal entity that must be combined with other sensible properties for the entity to exist." wow look how stuck up smart i sound, i should get a prescription for that vyvanse man. i remember writing that out, i wasnt using words like that for the hell of it, theres a reason for each one, it includes or excludes things based on my personal beliefs or whatever. i dont remember what a sensible property is. something else i wrote was "entities cannot be predicated of" i have forgetton what a predicate is. but from the rabbit hole i went down on, i found i really like philosophy, might buy some books n stuff. was also thinking of buying some karl marx works, not because he started trending on twitter because someone put a labubu on his grave (why did stereogum want to hear hayley william's opinion on labubus? that was so random lol). i just hate capitalism more and more by the day but i wont even think about talking aboout it before reading up on things. ill read more than marx, its a good start though.

i made an americano for the first time in a while, with this like italian espresso pod, man its so good.

also i went out with some people downtown and i thrifted these AMAZING boots. steel toe, leather i think maybe vegan leather i cant really tell the difference. aw man when u guys see me in the mosh pit with these bad boys ur gonna get jelly. oh and i took photos of some posters i saw in the cd store i went to, yk i thought there were no more diy shows that were all ages but i guess they just dont promote online. id get a fake id but even with it i look my age lol. i hate that the people who do promote online dont do all ages cuz its more expensive, the thing is it shouldnt be more expensive for the band, the venue should pay for it, from los camp's post on the dublin show i learned how all the security has to be paid for when kids are there and im js sayin, whys that gotta be the band's problem. maybe theres something i dont get. from looking online, some punk bands used to play free behind some library downtown but that all stopped after covid, which covid changed many free public things i understand but cmon mannnnnn.

i havent grown out of this and never will, bad habits are all i do. i keep ghosting people or try to break up with em then they get pissed off. how else am i supposed to test if they wanna stay? how else do i prove that they precieve me? aw hell. we all know im gonna keep doing it though.

also why did fred durst not like the spice girls i dont get it.

ive been sick for maybe two weeks now, its so annoying. ive never really taken like, tylenol or advil until last year i think cuz of my father, hes real against it. for the first time yesterday or the day before i took a cold flu fuckin tylonal thing. before i take it im looking at the bottle and shits going through my head. my father telling me its gonna kill me and the benadryl, fucking bennys dude never again.

i feel that growing nasuea in my stomach, just from reminding myself of when i was tryin new shit to get fucked up with but then i remember every other pill ive ever fuckin taken. the good and the bad, doesnt matter the reason i took em i just decided right then and there i needed a break, i needed to get sober for a bit and not just from pills from everything. hell my fuckin wallet needs a break-- round the start of this year i had 500 bucks now im barely over a hundred, after getting some money here and there but still.

so for the past few days i havent taken anything, completely sober other than one fuckin tylenol right so ive gone back to my regular self. i havent taken my meds for a while, even from before the break so i took 50mg of what is it sertraline the yellow ones ifdk. i take it, wash it down with some tea, eat some food cuz i forgot to really eat today, then i get all cozy in my bed about to sleep. i really like my bed, i like beds in general, gettign all comfortable. im tryna sleep earlier instead of 5 am but since im writing this you can tell that change isnt happening tonight.

ive been going through pills with that doctor over the phone just tryna see which ones work best through trial and error. the ones i was taking previous to the sertraline, fluoxetine i think, were giving me bad thoughts, i told the doctor and we changed to what i have now. i understand that there are risks that come with these medications, i understand that they usually go away and start working better with consistent use. she told me that in her seven years of being whatever kind of doctor she is, shes never had a patient with suicidal thoughts, how could she have been so sure?

back to my rant im sitting in bed, and i swear on everything i love, if i had a way out right beside me i wouldnt be typing on this fuckin website tonight. i know thats such a bold thing to say but i have never been so certain about this before, not like tonight. i really hate to talk about the meds like this, i truly dont mean to demonize them but this is just what i happened to experience.

i mean whats stopping me from taking barely over a hundred dollars worth of xanax, washing it down with some grey goose without any word to those i love? to those that love me but i hate? to those i love that hate me? the answer will always be nothing but the fomo is gone with the pills. i dont think i have much longer, i dont have much left in me to stay so im just gonna try to live out my days nicely and when things get dark ill be on my way out.

everything is okay, even if i go down this route i will be happy, peaceful and calm. i think im getting ori on my side sooner or later.

idk what to write anymore i think im all blogged out

I wanted to be the one to discover your crows feet at the earliest of our mornings, to trace them with my thumb, and keep to myself how much I love all your features and how they are uniquely yours.

found him, his mother, his father, mothers other name, his parents' jobs, his swim team, younger sister, school, twitch, the trips he went on throughout his life like his ski trip, the photos of the mountainous one, greece ect, grandparents and more, not a good day to be an ex i dislike. still have his lewd photos tho score

i still believe you shouldn't have had a life after me, i thought the world of you, used to run down my stairs to see you.

i join dreamwidth right as theyre rebuilding the journal search